Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Invisible Tigers: Never Invite them for dinner.

Recently I had the pleasure / displeasure of helping to babysit two Bengal Tigers.
One catch, a good amount of the time they were invisible. 
I am not a tiger expert by ANY means, but left in a dark place with a big tiger that nobody can really see and told to make sure nobody gets hurt makes you a little freaked out. Why you ask?
When a tiger is invisible everyone wants to see it so they all get REALLY close to it's cage.
(the tiger can reach out about 3 feet to grab whatever it thinks will taste good)
I'm telling you, people will stick their face right up to the cage. Then, since we are in the dark everyone wants to get out their flashlight and shine it into the tiger's face - if they can find it.

Now, I can't be completely sure about this, but I would venture to guess from the sounds they make, that tigers don't like having lights shining in their faces!

Also it's probably not a good idea to hang out too close to the cage if you are dressed up as a duck!

Luckily nobody got eaten, although when the tigers WERE visible one guy walked by and the tiger scratched a road case he was carrying, had the case been in the other hand it would have been his leg! I don't think he even noticed!

One other thing. It turns out that tigers like to mark their territory, and when you are a tiger EVERYWHERE YOU GO is your territory!
They do this by pissing on everything in sight!
Plus another little known tiger fact... they have scent glands distributed in various places around their bodies, one is located for easy piss access.

Also when you are a tiger you don't piss like everyone else... No you gotta be spectacular so you piss out a spray like a jet that travels up 8 feet high on the walls, doors, floor, and everything and everyone in the room - and you make that scent gland really count because you want everyone to know you have been there for a long long time to come!
Tigers at work earning their Chicken
Hey buddy you look delicious!

Needless to say they are cool but make bad dinner guest!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Stupid of the Day 9/25/11

I am not very social, as such I never thought of writing a blog before, but today I decided that I would jot a few words down on one of my favorite subjects: STUPID PEOPLE.

It's 7am Sunday morning, too early for stupid? Not by any measure. Stupid operates 24/7 365.

I sit sipping a cup of coffee at my local Starbucks (can you say endorsement).
A woman walks in and starts ordering drinks, she has come in from a car parked outside. A Prius.
Problem? Yes.
I look outside to see that the car is parked facing the wrong direction on the street, if this is not bad enough - the curb is painted red for the whole block! The side of the street where she came from has ample parking with the addition of 2 parking lots. She had to go out of her way to park on the wrong side.

The lady waits for her order. Five minutes go by.
I say to Stupid Lady: "Hey you know your car is facing the wrong direction and is parked in the red zone?"
No reaction.
I look back at the car, her husband sits waiting. Hmmm. Then I notice in the back seat, a young child.
A girl around 7 or 8 years old.

A few more minutes go by. I can't take it.
There are plenty of stupid people around but the thought that they are going to pass stupid down to the next generation makes me so angry I just have to say something!

I get up and walk out to the car. I lean down to the window and address the guy in the car.

Me: "Excuse me, do you think that you are special? I see that you are parked in the red facing the wrong direction?"

Stupid Guy turns to his daughter in the back seat and says: "He's a hater", then rolls up the window.
I go back into the coffee shop and Stupid Woman is walking out, she looks to me and says:
"Are you happy now?"

No I'm not, you are still Stupid!

We ARE in a theater.

Debbie Reynolds called me "not gay" today.
My girlfriend always says I'm a real man, I guess I can believe her now!